My life is not a transition to a size 10. The clothes I buy are not interim clothes to wear until I can fit something smaller. I am not working towards being my ‘best’ me. I am my best me, everyday, even when I don't brush my hair and can only find one sock (I have 2 kids, you see!) I am my best me all the time, just variations of it.
I’ll do it when I’m thinner…
I shudder to recall the hours I have wasted, the outfits I have left on the rack and the experiences I have avoided worrying about my weight. I have exercised, dieted and obsessed about food all my life. Until recently.
Life changed for me when my husband and I tried to conceive our first baby. We discovered I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and at my current ‘pre-wedding fitness mania weight’ I wasn’t ovulating. This shocked me, I was a large 12/small 14, how could I not be ovulating? At that point I was still under the illusion that a thinner me was a healthier me.
Over time, I learned that my body works perfectly within about a 4kg window and if I wanted to get pregnant I actually had to gain some weight. I have a pretty sturdy frame, wide hips and big wrists and feet. A size 12 for me was very slim, and to maintain it I had to eat tiny portions of protein, exercise 1.5 hours a day and think about only food and nutrition all day long.
I went back to the Endocrinologist when we were planning our second baby (at my heaviest still carrying my baby weight- as you do 12month post partum!) and her advice was to lose the weight and get back within that healthy 4kg window. When I did, I conceived in the first month.
My point is, that there is the weight your body wants to be, and then there is the weight you expect it to be. It turns out my body doesn't care that I feel the pressure to be a size 12. It is quite happy to be a 14-16. We all know when we need to exercise and watch our food intake a little better (I get that squidgy bloated feeling), that is not the same as dieting to be a certain size. I am not at my healthiest weight now, one day I might be again (or not!) but hell, I had a baby 6 months ago and I am going to shop for clothes I can fit, not items that can glare at me from the wardrobe as if to say ‘you’ll never fit me, you’ve failed’.
I haven’t failed. I am winning every day. Miles from my slimmest I have a beautiful marriage, supportive friends and family, and an awesome life. In fact no one has ever said to me ‘if only you were a bit thinner I’d like you more’. Most importantly I am grateful to my amazing body that grew two beautiful babies. I’m so clever!
In the next year I plan to return to Yoga, walk my babies in the pram, write a cool blog full of awesome clothes that I can fit (wahoo!) and eat some cake. It’s going to be grand, I suggest you join me :)